Living in Peace

I had such a great post planned. It was all about choosing peace as the overall tone of our home. I had planned to share some personal strategies for how I choose peace in stressful moments, and how we try to cultivate peace in our relationships.

And then today happened.

I wouldn’t classify today as a “terrible day.” On the contrary, there were some pretty sweet moments. But there was also Fussiest 16 Month Old Ever and Mr. Dramatic that took turns crying about how we put pants on and the right way to pour banana bread ingredients into the bowl and the way I was dancing. At least they were sharing.

I’ll be honest. At one point, when Norah threw herself onto the floor because two feet went into one leg of her pajama pants, and Micah was having a meltdown because Grammy walked out of his sight, and then he flailed and his hand spasmed absurdly right to where my boot was stepping, I gave up and turned to my trusty, old friend. Blue’s Clues. Put them straight into a TV coma and then I swept the floors very vigorously.

I felt defeated. That rise of emotions that first seethes over my kids’ lack of self control and then quickly condemns me as a terrible mother. Not only did I ignore my screaming daughter, I crushed my son’s fingers and then shoved them both in front of a Blue puppy that only communicates in Bow-bow-bows to recuperate. It’s also at these moments that I notice every dirty thing in my home – wow, look at those baseboards! Have I EVER had it together enough to wash these curtains?

It wasn’t all in vain, though. Because, as I furiously swept the piles (and I literally mean piles) of dog hair into the dustpan, I realized this moment of defeat doesn’t mean I’m defeated. This moment of chaos doesn’t mean we live without peace. This single moment doesn’t mean anything, actually, except as a part of the wave that is Relationship. No matter how old my children get, we will have moments. But those moments don’t singularly define who we are as a family or how we live as a family. What defines us is how we choose to work through them and if we have overriding attitudes of love, kindness, and respect.

I realized that I can be at peace with these moments because I know that we can work through them together. My heart doesn’t need to be anxious, regardless of how loud my children scream. My emotions, though they may rise, don’t need to prove a point within the moment. My actions don’t have to lose all reason. I can walk away, or breathe deep (anyone else use their labor breathing?), or sweep, or turn on Blue’s Clues and come back to peace, to Christ. When I remember that He is an anchor amid the wave, I don’t have to be the stalwart one. I can ride it, knowing that He will keep me in perfect peace because I trust Him to hold on to me.

In case it seems like I regained my cool in one 20 minute episode of Blue’s Clues, put that notion away from you! I confess to a mini marathon, because some days just call for it. And you know what? I’m at peace with that too.

Developing a Theory of Mind

I’ve been watching this child development series put out by Discovery Channel. They do all sorts of fascinating “experiments” to find out what children think and when they begin to understand how the world around them works. By experiments, I mean fun little games and asking all sorts of questions. Depending on the way the kids play or answer, shows how much they understand.

Of course, I’ve been having a great time copying these games and questions with Micah. It’s fun to discover the reason behind so many things he does, and have a gauge for when he will develop certain abilities. For example, the “Which Hand” game (where you put a small object in one of your hands and the kid has to guess which one holds it) can tell you if a child has the ability to lie yet. If they can correctly play that game without telling you where the object is hidden, they can lie intentionally. Micah thought the game itself was great fun, but when it was his turn, he always brought out the hand with the object first. Every single time. He hasn’t developed the ability to recognize that he can know something that I don’t. Good to know. That means, all of those times when I said, “Did you just disobey?” and he said, “No, I didn’t!” he wasn’t intentionally lying to me.

I hate it when I realize I’m disciplining for something outside of my child’s developmental level. Thankfully, the lying thing is just now coming up, so I haven’t spent a lot of energy on that one. But there have been other things that I have attributed to “sin nature” or simple disobedience and disciplined for that are actually a developmental skill that my kids have not achieved yet. Take this scenario that happened this morning:

Micah: Mom, where is my truck with the engine on the back?
Me: I’m not sure. Please be quiet. I’m trying to put Norah down for a nap.
Micah: Ok. But where is it?
Me: Go check in your room. But please don’t come back in here.
He runs out. Then runs back in and asks at full volume: It’s not there! Where is it?
Me: Micah, be quiet. Check the playroom, but don’t come back in here. Norah is trying to take a nap.
He runs out and comes back again, at full volume: It’s not there!

I admit, this was pretty frustrating to me. But was he intentionally being disobedient? No. Micah hasn’t developed a “Theory of Mind” yet, which means, he doesn’t have the ability to realize that other people think differently than he does. He was so concerned about his truck with the engine on the back being lost that, to him, I must be equally concerned. In fact, it never even crossed his mind that I might be thinking about anything else in the world except where that lost truck could be. What is so important to him is also the most important thing to everyone else.

If I didn’t know this, I might think Micah was just being selfish. Why can’t he see that I’m in the middle of something? Why can’t he notice that Norah wakes up every time he comes in? Why won’t he just obey what I’m saying, for goodness sake?! I might think that he was intentionally disobeying because he wanted to do something else. But that’s just not the case.

When I remember where he is developmentally, I can change my strategy. I don’t have to “discipline.” Instead, I can guide. This removes some of the frustration. I can regain my cool, remind myself not to raise my voice, and help him obey. I give him visual cues to help him remember what I’m asking, and I use my key words that he has learned to obey so that I can speak to him on a level that makes sense developmentally. Back to my earlier example:

Micah runs in again at full volume: It’s not there!
Me: Micah, look at Nay Nay. She’s snuggling her elephant and is trying to go to sleep. Please use a quiet voice. You can check the playroom, but when you go out, I am going to close the door. Listen and obey and don’t open the door. Ok?
Micah: Ok. I’ll do that.

By helping him directly see the visual cues of Norah taking a nap, I think he was able to realize what was going on. I used our hot word for both naps and obedience: snuggle, quiet voice, listen and obey. These are words that have permeated his life as far back as he can remember, so they hit a strong response in him. He knows what they mean, and he knows what he should do. Guess what? He did it! No getting in trouble for disobedience. Just help for obedience, and guidance on his development.

It’s not always so easy. So many days we go through the same words and motions a hundred times before I see any improvement. But we do it because so much of parenting is teaching my kids character. It doesn’t have to be about disciplining it into them. Remembering their developmental level helps me be patient in the middle of the 90th time. When I see that they have achieved a level, then I know what kind of standard I can hold them to. Once Micah develops a Theory of Mind, the grace for situations like today will be smaller because then he needs to learn to think about others before himself. But we aren’t there yet. So we’ll deal with situations where we’re at.

This takes so much pressure off of parenting for me. I don’t have to worry about instilling every bit of character right now, all the time. It goes in phases, just like God teaches us. He doesn’t expect us to be holy instantly. He works with us where we are at, and brings us to holiness step at a time. As long as we are moving forward, then we are on the right track. Thank God for baby steps!

Simple Gospel

We made it to church on time this morning. (did you hear that Hallelujah Chorus?!) It was so nice to be there for more than one worship song, and since my mom had Micah in her lap, and Norah was falling asleep on my shoulder, I was actually able to close my eyes and worship.

Until all the sudden I thought, “What in the world are these words coming out of my mouth?!” Something about kindness and rivers. I felt confused. This was a hymn, wasn’t it? Shouldn’t I be able to figure out what I’m singing about? Try as I might, I just couldn’t do it. There may have been a slight possibility that the grammar was incorrect on the power point, but I have been smart before. I taught English for a couple years, so I can read through some missing commas. I had a glitch going on here.

In the past, when mom brain has taken over and I am too tired to dive deep like I’ve been able to before, I have gotten mad at myself. How is it that I can recall every single word to the Bulldozer Truck Tunes song, but can’t keep concentration long enough to get the meat out of one hymn? I feel like sometimes I’ve taken a step back to the milk stage of Christianity, instead of staying in the meat stage. I don’t mean that in a negative way, like I’m not growing or like moms in general can’t handle the meat of Christianity. No way! But for myself, it seems like God’s allowed me to go back to the basics as I’ve had kids.

I guess that’s the point of my post today. When I wobbled through that hymn this morning, I felt no condemnation for it going over my head. The Lord encouraged me that in these days, going back to the basics is like going back to my first Love. Because I am focused on explaining Jesus Christ in the simplest terms to my kids, I get to enjoy the simple Gospel too – Love, the cross, repentance, and redemption. When it comes down to it, the Gospel isn’t a bunch of rules and rituals, complicated steps and appeasements. The Gospel is simple and straightforward. As I focus on that, instead of all of the side angles and differences of opinions, I see it’s transforming power in my own life.

I love to chew on the meat of the Bible, and I’ll be honest with you, I’m excited for the days when I get more sleep and more time to devote to that. But for now, I am equally excited to see the simple and beautiful Gospel still working miracles in and around me. Going back to my first Love and living slowly enough to process the love and kindness of Jesus into my every day allows me to understand the beauty and (ironically) the depth of that sacrifice. I am thankful for this slowing down. Thankful for the tiredness that keeps me from being distracted by the literary connections and symbolism. Thankful for the interruptions that remind me that Jesus is present in real life, not just in my quiet time. And thankful for the steady stream of examples of His love and forgiveness, as I learn to show the same love and forgiveness to my children. God is good to us. He continually keeps us close, knowing where are hearts are and what kind of growth and encouragement we need. Regardless of what our lives are like, He invites us to participate in His simple Gospel. And that is also what I’m thankful for. That His kingdom is open to me and He invites me along, even when I’m too tired to understand the words I’m using to worship Him.

Boundaries

“You are crossing your boundary, buddy.”

I can’t even count the number of times this phrase has come out of my mouth the last week. It is mostly in reference to Micah making excruciatingly high-pitched squeals about an inch from Norah’s face while also pinching her cheeks. Norah screams, and I would like to scream too.

Or it’s been in reference to the millions of tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny kisses that he gives me, mostly while I’m in the middle of putting Norah down for a nap or trying to discipline him. As though they make up for him completely ignoring what I’m trying to do.

Or it’s referring to the immediate outburst when I walk out of the room and he doesn’t want me to leave his sight.

Yup. Good old boundaries. We have some. They’re being crossed. It does not feel good.

I made up this game. It’s called “Don’t Cross the Boundary.” My arm pretends to be the boundary and Micah’s hand is the car. He drives right up to my arm and is supposed to stop. Sometimes the car jumps in the air, and then I’m so concerned about whether it’s going to cross the boundary or respect the boundary. When it respects it, I breathe a gigantic sigh of relief. When it crosses….well, the boundary-arm can’t be friends with the boundary-crosser. The boundary-arm stops playing. For reals, no second chances.

I’m trying to get Micah to see that other people’s boundaries are important, and not just for them. It’s important for us, too. If we can learn to respect other people’s boundaries, we can learn to operate in self-control. We can learn to read others, gaining wisdom into how to relate to that person as an individual and how to know when to encourage and when to put in distance. We can have the opportunity to show them what it feels like to be respected.

If we can learn to respect other people’s boundaries, then we can know what it feels like if someone is crossing our own. We know what the action of respecting feels like, and it can help us guard our own boundaries more effectively. We learn to focus on other people, but also to care about safeguarding those things we feel are important, regardless of who is driving near those boundaries.

Yes, complicated things for a three year old. But I’m not telling him about boundaries in these words. I’m playing “Don’t Cross the Boundary” and reminding him every time he’s crossing one of ours. Respect is a hard thing to explain. That’s why I’m starting now, so that he has a lifetime to practice. Maybe by the time he’s an adult, I can breathe that sigh of relief when I see he’s content to just drive along the boundary and not make so many daring jumps into the air.

Butter, Mud, and Jesus

I had a very serious moment the other day. Are you ready for it?

I was talking with my friend Amy about how we can’t take for granted that our kids will grow up believing truth. Our culture and our world are, as God has said they would, becoming more sinful. Yes, we want them to make the choice to believe in Jesus Christ on their own, but if we want them to have the foundation to even make that choice, we have to be intentional in teaching them.

While I actively engaged in this conversation, and while I may have even looked confident as I talked about preparing my kids for their encounters with the world, my insides were turning to butter. Melted butter, to be precise. Melted butter that was sliding all over every emotional canvas within me. Pure panic rose as I began to think of what my kids might face as they grow up, and that the responsibility to teach them the truth in response to it falls to mine and Davy’s shoulders.

For two days I could think of nothing else. But finally, God’s peace began to pour over me as a single prayer emerged from my tornado mind:
“God, I am not up to this. But You are. Please give me wisdom.”

Wonder of wonders, He has. It’s been my constant prayer for a couple of days, and the opportunities for speaking into my kids’ lives are incredible. Maybe I never noticed them before, or maybe God is just working because I’m asking Him to (or maybe both), but it’s been exciting. He’s given me some creative ideas for explaining things, too.

Music. Call me weird, but I never think to put music on. It just doesn’t even cross my mind. But I’ve been putting on Sing Along Scripture Songs almost every day. It isn’t obnoxious kids music, and Micah’s been asking me what each of the songs means. Since it’s straight scripture, I’ve been able to really explain what each verse means. We had a very interesting (and insightful for me) conversation about the Fruit of the Spirit, and why he doesn’t have self control when he wants to throw a fit. Norah doesn’t understand it quite yet, but she can dance to it, and that’s all the matters to her.

Sensory bins. I’m playing around with some ideas for a mom-kid Bible study, and so sensory bins are in the forefront of my mind. The other day Micah and I put together this Jonah sensory bin. We read the story, then we played the story. Then I read my Bible while he continued to play. He had a blast, I read my Bible, and the floor got watered, all in one day.

Mud. I’ve explained sin to the kids before as disobedience to God. But it’s an abstract topic and hard to understand. Since both of my kids love the dirt so much (and since I’m practicing patience anyway, right?), I figured, what better way to illustrate than to turn my backyard into a mud pit? First I got a white bucket and explained how God created us clean. But when we sin, it’s like throwing mud on us. We can’t be close to God being so dirty. Here’s how the conversation went:

Me: See how yucky this bucket is now? But Jesus is like this hose. He can wash us clean. He can wash away all of our sin. What do you think about that?
Micah: yeah….uh, Mommy, can I see that hose for a second? Look! I’m a firetruck!

Yep. Solid conversation right there. We’re probably about halfway to conversion.
I let him be a firetruck at that point. Actually, it didn’t bother me because that’s not the last time we’ll talk about sin. And it’s probably not the last time we’ll play mud either.

I admit, I’ve had a lot of unsuccessful attempts at trying to explain spiritual things. Like the time I tried explaining the cross and how Jesus took our punishment on himself. I’ve never seen so much excitement in Micah’s eyes as when I said it’s kind of like Jesus said He would sit in Micah’s timeout for him. or when I first tried to tell him about the fruit of the Spirit, and how we can imagine we’re trees and God is the gardener, and He’s watering us with love and kindness and patience. “Yep, mom. And blackberries.”

I’m trying to make some changes in my own life, too, so that spiritual conversations are natural, not awkward and so “set up.” I’m trying to pray out loud instead of silently, and to be honest when I’m not acting right and need God’s forgiveness. I’m also trying to be creative in the way I portray God, since He is most definitely not just about rules and saying no. He is life and joy and love, so I’m trying to work those aspects of His character into our conversations. This is a journey for me, but I’m starting to see it as exciting instead of a scary pressure to “prepare my kids.”

What are some of your favorite ways to share Jesus with your kids? I’d love to hear your inspirations.

Experiencing Freedom

I happened upon a really mind boggling idea the other day. Those characteristics I want to have in my own life – the really good ones like patience and kindness and gentleness? Those things take practice.

Did it smack you in the face like it did me? It was one of those realizations that took me totally by surprise. What?! I have to be intentional about this stuff? I always want to be better in these areas, and often I pray and pray that God would work those things into my life, but then I just wait around to magically be better at them. Kind of like I’m currently waiting around for that huge pile of laundry on my couch to magically fold itself. I am so far waiting without much success.

I am, deep down, not a very patient person. I tend to be short in my responses when I feel annoyed. I can be sharp and rough and lack every kind of grace. But I hate that about myself. I want to be like Jesus, who was full of grace and gentleness, kindness and patience. I want freedom from my tendency to treat those around me as less-than. But freedom never comes without hard work. It’s not a wonderful mantra I just happen to achieve because my culture values it. If I want something in my life, I have to grab hold of it and ride that bucking bronco through the rough and the easy, all the way until I have that value worked into the core of who I am. And I may be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that whenever someone rides a bucking bronco, they get thrown and have to get back up. They have to practice before they can achieve.

So here are a few ways I’m practicing patience in my own life:

Making coffee with Micah:

You may not know this about me, but there are few material things more treasured in my daily life than my coffee. It is God’s blessing to my day. Micah has picked up on this, and he really loves making it for me. But oh! How hard it is to watch him scoop the grounds, spilling half on the counter and then another good amount into the basket before ever getting it into the filter! How hard it is to not snatch the measuring spoon out of his hands so I can ensure I have a good cup of coffee to get me through the morning! So I’m practicing deep breathing along with my patience. Every morning I let him help me because he so loves to help me. He is so happy when he makes me coffee and I drink it. That’s what really matters. I just tell myself, I can always make a new pot if this one is too gritty.

Paint:
I may as well admit, I am not one for messy crafts. And for some reason, painting in particular causes my perfectionism to flip out. Just watching the colors mix, the brush bristles get all bent out of shape, the water turn all horrible shades of brown…it makes me shudder! But Micah loves painting more than any other craft. I genuinely can’t last through a paint session without some kind of agitation, so I’m starting slow here. We compromise at bathtub painting. As long as he doesn’t get it on me, I let him do whatever he wants with it. Then we wash it down with the shower head!

 

Playing dirt:
I’ve written about this before, but Norah loves playing in the dirt more than with almost anything else. I could give away all her toys if I let her play in the dirt every day instead. I am not nearly so crazy about that dirt as she is, especially because she likes to rub it in her hair and pour it down her shirt. Oh, and eat it. Aside from the eating (which ends playing dirt immediately), I practice patience by letting her revel in her play land. Yes, I let her pour it in her hair and down her shirt because, in reality, it’s not hurting anything.

 

When I practice patience in these, among other, areas, not only do I allow my kids to experience freedom of expression, but I experience freedom from impatience. I experience the freedom from control and annoyance. Sure, it may be difficult to keep my frustration at bay, but when I do, I get to have the attitude that I want my kids to remember me having, instead of the one that I pray God’s grace will wipe from their memories. And as long as it really doesn’t matter how something is done, allowing them to do these things without my impatient, unkind, or ungentle interjections, gives us all the freedom to appreciate our differences.

 

p.s. I also sometimes practice patience by driving behind slow people. This probably officially puts me in the crazy-lady category, but I do have less road rage now.

 

 

What would I say?

I wasn’t going to write anything about the current political happenings because EVERYONE is writing about them. But then I started thinking, what would I say to my kids about this whole debate, if they were old enough to ask? So here it is:

1. Our focus as Christians should be to love God and love our neighbor. Everyone deserves love because everyone was created by God. We should love others because that is one way we show our love for God.

2. Our standards should be based on the Bible. What did God say about it? That’s what we should stick to.

3. We should stand up for what we believe in a respectful way. Season our words with grace and love, always letting our actions and character be a reflection of who God is, and always remembering what we ourselves were without the Lord’s grace.

Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person. (Colossians 4:6 ESV)

I think of the culture Jesus left the disciples in, and I remember that there have always been culture wars, there have always been schisms, there have always been disputes about what is moral and what is acceptable. And God has always continued to operate by His same standards. That’s why it’s important to know what those standards are and to commit to pleasing God instead of man.

If my kids were old enough to understand our current cultural and political climate, I would continue to simply teach them the Bible. To hold the Bible as our standard of truth and pursue it, to love God and love others, and to season our words with grace, truth, and love. It sounds too simple. But when it comes down to it, we weren’t called to uproar. We are called to personally be right with God and to be a light of who He is and what He has done for us.